I seem to have an endless amount of patience with my ASD child. I mean, he can be screaming for over an hour and I can handle that. This week was the week from hell. Whatever could go wrong went wrong and to be perfectly honest I was beyond overwhelmed. Charlie seemed to scream for two days straight which put everyone else in the household on edge as well. I guess you can relate it to walking through a mine field knowingly. You know that at any moment your whole environment could just blow up and be in crisis. To make all of this worse, I got my period and my hormones were off the rictor scale. With all the issues revolving around his school, his severe behavioral problems and my PMS... well, I think you can relate, at least I hope.
The day was just craziness filled with tantrums and screaming over what seemed to me as stupid, ridiculous issues. "Jacob moved my cars, Jocelyn looked at me and Krystal touched my pillowcase." I wish he had spoken and told me what was going on but that did not happen. Instead I got erected from my chair or the stove, where ever I may have been at the moment by a shrieking shrill coming from the living room. It sounded as if someone was killing him. I rushed to see what was going on as even though this shrill is normal for him, I can't seem to adjust. I get there to my little man flapping his arms shrieking. Then jolting to hit or push whom ever was causing his disruption. I can't even describe the amount of stress that was wondering in my home for two days.
At one point he had gotten really upset and ran into our roommates room, which he uses as a calm down sensory room sort of. He isn't allowed in there unless the roommate is there and allows him but that rule got broken quickly. I swept in and tried to scoop him up and remove him when he slapped me in my face. It was at that point that my patience and everything else that I seem to be able to maintain flew out the window. I am not proud to reveal what I said to my son and I cringe while typing this. I looked at my son and told him,"Stop acting like a jerk. You are normal at least that is what everyone else thinks. You are just being a defiant brat!!" I proceeded to pick up my screaming, kicking child and carried him out of the room handing him to my boyfriend saying,"Do something with him please. I can't handle him, someone needs to take him."
After an hour of crying and searching through every phone number I had ever acquired with no luck of reaching anyone. I proceeded to call my ex-service coordinator and rant with her about how horrible of a parent I am and maybe I am just unable to deal with normal toddler behavior because now I was convinced that I was just a bad mom. That was the reason he was acting like this and all this time I have been acting like something was wrong with him. Amidst me crying and yes, whining on the phone (talk about self pity) for about 30 minutes, she interrupted me saying,"Take a breathe, cause you aren't crazy!!" I thought,"Are you freaking nuts? I just made my son feel like a stupid child and was totally wrong."
She proceeded,"I remember feeling like this myself. I know what you are going through but I "can say that you are not wrong about him. I saw it, Your son was showing signs of this for a long time, the providers saw it, but by law we cannot diagnose, we can only encourage you to see a specialist." All the time they were in my home working with my son they did acknowledge and have thoughts on what was going on. She reminded me of a specific incident that involved a therapist who had cancelled due to an illness and she came to my house. She said that day she was certain and Autism was very evident. I think that sometimes we get so caught up in trying to advocate and defend our children and it gets frustrating. You begin to doubt and think about whether you are right and how you are parenting. All parents, special needs or not go through the thoughts about how you parent.
This week was an eye opener and made me step back and really slow down. I needed to look at some of the things that have improved with my son because I have been so focused on the fact that he is just maintaining most skills not learning new ones. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what he has accomplished in the last year. His speech is so much better now. I can understand what my son wants most of the time and his teachers actually have a clue what he is saying. He seems to be able to express when he is sad and has started to gain some pretend play. I think for myself I need to reflect more often and maybe I will be able to take some of the stress off of myself. My son may have Autism but I refuse to let Autism have my son.
6 comments:
Jazzygal
http://www.jazzygals-steppingout.blogspot.com/
Well good for you! Keep fighting!
You are not a bad mum. It's a very difficult job that you do. it's particularly hard when your child with an ASD diagnosis looks so "normal". I too have struggled with this... and I've said things I regret... like; "come on WiiBoy.. just behave like a normal child" Oh God.... cringe factor 10+.!!
But you know what? You'll get there with him. You will teach him appropriate responses when someone does something he doesn't like... and when you've put strategies in place (with help from clinical team) you can remind him to "use your words please"! And teach him about engine tools too so that, in time, he can self regulate ;-)
Keep strong,
xx jazzy
Bella
Hang in there. We all have our moments. I have a gifted child and have lost my temper and told him that he didn't act gifted (one of the worst things a parent can say to a gifted child). I regretted it later, but it happens.
You are most definitely NOT crazy! I can't tell you how many times I've had "weeks from hell" and I thought I was doing everything wrong. Sometimes, things just "go wrong" and are out of our control. It's ok to have moments where you feel like you can't take anymore, as long as (once the moment's passed) you get back up and try all over again. That's what being a mother of special kids means. It's hard work (the hardest in the world!), but eventually, our kids will make it - and so will you! Hang in there!
My recent post My Kids on Faces of Autism
http://speakingonthespectrum.blogspot.com/
darla
We have all had our moments. Believe me... I know I do. I have 2 other "typical" kiddos and My middle son who has autism. The shrieking and screaming and head banging can just put you over the edge when everyone else is needing you as well. You will make it. And you will learn from this. Charlie is young, no matter what the challenges, every kids gets a few good talking to's. Hang in there you are doing a great job. Don't ever doubt that! :)
Lora
Just the fact that you wrote this post I think means that you are a good mom who cares about her son. You are reaching out because you did something that was perfectly normal and it's okay to do that once in awhile because you are human. We all do things like that and lose it once in awhile, I lose it far too many times and say things that are totally unacceptable to me but I have to move forward from it because I am just a regular mom of a special needs child and it happens. What you need to do is to give yourself a big hug!!!!
Thank you all for your support
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