We tried doing this activity with him the other day and it ended in a huge melt down. It went wonderful yesterday and he was interacting with his sister.

Charles

Charles

Krystal

Krystal

Krystal

Jocelyn

Jacob

In the world of motherhood, I find that it isn't too often you get to slow down and really be in the moment. A moment happens and before you even get to fully process it another moment is happening. It is kind of like running on a treadmill. You run and run and run and time goes by but when you are done you haven't really gotten to far. Still in the same place but many happenings later. I carry my camera everywhere and I have many shots of my children. I have pictures of them extremely excited, sad, mad, hurt, being brats... LOL... you get the point.

Some look at me and ask why? Why do you take a moment to snap a picture during these times. Well, I want to share a little insight into this. While I can state that my son got his knee stuck in a tree when he was climbing. Can you picture that? It made him very upset, and while we were waiting for help, I snapped a picture. Can you feel his emotions at the time? Thirty years from now I can look at that picture and remember the situation and feel the same feeling that were evoked that day.


Image by Frozen in Time Photographers via Flickr

Or, for instance when my daughter had surgery on her tonsils and adenoids. Can I successfully pull off explaining the look on her face and how she went into the OR with Pee Pas thumb-print on her Mickey so that he would be with her when I could not? I don't think I could throughly describe the emotions in the room or the way she looked at me as they were rolling her away.






Come on, I could tell you that I make some pretty neat cakes for my kids birthdays, but you don't have a visual, right. Is this better?  My son and daughter are Irish twins and because I am insane and still chose(notice the past tense), to provide them each with a special cake, I would end up with two extravagant cakes to make and always finishing them while the party was started. This was the last year I did 2 cakes for their birthday. Now, I buy one and make the other. At least until I can find a willing volunteer to help make them. Any takers???


How about the look on your daughter's face when she bites into the juicy strawberry that she picked herself?




Your son's emotional breakdown when you tell him that his tree toad can not come in the house. LOL Yes he cried for like an hour. He really loved that toad and he still talks about him today.





This is a great photo that I really love. This is my son "riding" his trike with his treasured pillowcase in the back. He wasn't pedaling cause he didn't know how yet but it was a great photo to be treasured forever.

I am ashamed to confess that I am not much of a sympathetic mom when it comes to my children vomiting. Seriously, I mean I would rather pay my child to clean up their own puke then have to do it myself. My daughter has a stomach that mimics mine and I found it very sentimental that this morning as I was running to the bathroom from a coughing fit, she was right behind me. The question remains though, Did she puke? No!!!! She rubbed my back and asked me if I was ok. I think I just determined that my children have a strength that I don't have.

Something I have to forgive myself for:


I think of all the things I need to forgive myself for, and there are many, so I will start my list and see where it goes. To start I think I need to forgive myself for allowing my past to dictate my future. While this may seem confusing, it is something that I have accomplished now. Back a few years, I was falling into the same situation over and over and over again. I mean I think my son is repetitive, maybe he got it from me. LOL.. No, really, I didn't know what love was and so I kept putting myself in abusive relationships. This was in part to do with my childhood as well as low self esteem for myself. I have come a really long way since then and I have to remember to give myself kudos for what I have accomplished.

Another big item to forgive myself for was hurting and pushing away anyone that ever got close to me. It really hasn't gotten me very far as I actually have lost contact with a countless amount of people that were very good to me. I tend to get scared, yes me, scared. I get scared that if they know every aspect of me they won't want to be around and so when I feel as if they are getting too close, I do something completely stupid to make them go away. I know I do it and it is controlled so much better but I do it and I always put myself down for it. But, I guess the truth is, if they really truly want to know me and be a part of my life, they will be around no matter what I am going through. I think I need to be more open and honest with myself and the people I love about how I feel and accept that they may not be able to relate or agree and that is ok.

Well, I think I have procrastinated enough, the true and biggest thing I have ever done (that I can't seem to let go of) is the abortion I had in 2008. I was with someone that I thought really loved me, we were engaged, but it wasn't real. He was abusive verbally and physically. One day it became sexually, as he held me down on the bed and took what he wanted. I feel myself getting angry as I am typing this but I think maybe this will help me. About a week after this happened, (no, I didn't leave, not yet) he violated me for the last time when he dislocated my jaw and then proceeded to chase my daughter when she was calling for help. Never ever was my daughter in this position and the thought of forgiving myself for putting her there is out of the question. I can't, but I found the strength to pull myself up off the floor and protect my baby. Lets just say that when the police got there he looked worse than me. My daughter was in the car where I put her, locked safely. They took him away and he went to jail. I did the right thing and I pressed charges.

About a month later I found out I was pregnant. I hemmed and hawed over what to do and honestly, I feel like I made the right choice. I didn't want to bring another baby into the world under those circumstances. It just wasn't right, and up until that point in my life I was against abortion. My views changed when I was in the spot of making a choice, not just for me but my family and the unborn. Do I think about that day? Yes, I will never forget it. Just so you know they had to knock me out to do the procedure and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I think I need to forgive myself for that above all else. I let my baby girl go and I look at my other babies and wonder what she would have been like. What color were her eyes, hair? I can say that even though I have not forgiven myself completely for this I do feel that it was a choice and I did my best to make the right one.

(If you want to see previous days please click on the tag 30 days of truth)
30 days of truth: day 2

Today was a busy and exhausting day. Typically I spend my days with about 4 hours filled with screaming, crying or tantrums. Today we hit an all time high of about 7 hours of insanity. When you have a special needs child, of any disability, it puts a strain on all the people in the household. The other's involved most often feel as if they never have your attention or time. This can be heartbreaking and also trying. You see I have tried to give my oldest daughter some individualized time and while she loves it when it is occurring, the novelty dies quickly. What I mean is that even after spending an hour with Krystal on her skateboard she still felt compelled to interrupt when Charles needed some sensory input. This made the situation 10 times worse as then not only was he upset but he started getting physical with Krystal. While I know that I need to be stern and have consequences for his behavior I also know that she tends to egg him on and tease. If she sees he is getting upset with what she is doing rather then try to prevent it from escalating she continues. I know what you are thinking, She just twelve and maybe she doesn't understand. But, she does and we do talk and I allow her to be helpful although there are times when he needs his space. I feel that she should respect that. I guess I probably sound like a completely frazzled mom who doesn't know how to parent and trust me I do feel that way sometimes. But, as much as she is learning so am I. I guess I just have to admit that I am only human and I do seem to be less patient at times with her than I am my youngest. Beyond that situation my son decided that he didn't want to leave the house. I had set the timer gave him a warning about us leaving, tried to help him get prepared and to no avail he was not thrilled about it or ready. He was kicking crying and spitting on the floor. The spitting is a new behavior and I told him it was totally unacceptable. I cleaned up his mess, coaxed him to pick a few toys to bring and scampered out the door. The rest of the evening was pretty smooth aside from him running towards the lights(traffic lights that is!!!). What a scare. Well, bedtime went smooth so smooth in fact that I fell asleep with Charles at around 8 pm.