Something I have to forgive myself for:
I think of all the things I need to forgive myself for, and there are many, so I will start my list and see where it goes. To start I think I need to forgive myself for allowing my past to dictate my future. While this may seem confusing, it is something that I have accomplished now. Back a few years, I was falling into the same situation over and over and over again. I mean I think my son is repetitive, maybe he got it from me. LOL.. No, really, I didn't know what love was and so I kept putting myself in abusive relationships. This was in part to do with my childhood as well as low self esteem for myself. I have come a really long way since then and I have to remember to give myself kudos for what I have accomplished.
Another big item to forgive myself for was hurting and pushing away anyone that ever got close to me. It really hasn't gotten me very far as I actually have lost contact with a countless amount of people that were very good to me. I tend to get scared, yes me, scared. I get scared that if they know every aspect of me they won't want to be around and so when I feel as if they are getting too close, I do something completely stupid to make them go away. I know I do it and it is controlled so much better but I do it and I always put myself down for it. But, I guess the truth is, if they really truly want to know me and be a part of my life, they will be around no matter what I am going through. I think I need to be more open and honest with myself and the people I love about how I feel and accept that they may not be able to relate or agree and that is ok.
Well, I think I have procrastinated enough, the true and biggest thing I have ever done (that I can't seem to let go of) is the abortion I had in 2008. I was with someone that I thought really loved me, we were engaged, but it wasn't real. He was abusive verbally and physically. One day it became sexually, as he held me down on the bed and took what he wanted. I feel myself getting angry as I am typing this but I think maybe this will help me. About a week after this happened, (no, I didn't leave, not yet) he violated me for the last time when he dislocated my jaw and then proceeded to chase my daughter when she was calling for help. Never ever was my daughter in this position and the thought of forgiving myself for putting her there is out of the question. I can't, but I found the strength to pull myself up off the floor and protect my baby. Lets just say that when the police got there he looked worse than me. My daughter was in the car where I put her, locked safely. They took him away and he went to jail. I did the right thing and I pressed charges.
About a month later I found out I was pregnant. I hemmed and hawed over what to do and honestly, I feel like I made the right choice. I didn't want to bring another baby into the world under those circumstances. It just wasn't right, and up until that point in my life I was against abortion. My views changed when I was in the spot of making a choice, not just for me but my family and the unborn. Do I think about that day? Yes, I will never forget it. Just so you know they had to knock me out to do the procedure and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I think I need to forgive myself for that above all else. I let my baby girl go and I look at my other babies and wonder what she would have been like. What color were her eyes, hair? I can say that even though I have not forgiven myself completely for this I do feel that it was a choice and I did my best to make the right one.
(If you want to see previous days please click on the tag 30 days of truth)
1 comment:
Wow omg I can so relate hun. I lost our daughter and the pain of that never goes away and knowing enough to know you were in a bad place and did what you think was right, well that is good for you even if you can't quite forgive yourself, I believe you did the right thing based on what you've shared. Great post! Thanks for joining the hop!
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