Autism As A Whole

Something I have to forgive myself for:


I think of all the things I need to forgive myself for, and there are many, so I will start my list and see where it goes. To start I think I need to forgive myself for allowing my past to dictate my future. While this may seem confusing, it is something that I have accomplished now. Back a few years, I was falling into the same situation over and over and over again. I mean I think my son is repetitive, maybe he got it from me. LOL.. No, really, I didn't know what love was and so I kept putting myself in abusive relationships. This was in part to do with my childhood as well as low self esteem for myself. I have come a really long way since then and I have to remember to give myself kudos for what I have accomplished.

Another big item to forgive myself for was hurting and pushing away anyone that ever got close to me. It really hasn't gotten me very far as I actually have lost contact with a countless amount of people that were very good to me. I tend to get scared, yes me, scared. I get scared that if they know every aspect of me they won't want to be around and so when I feel as if they are getting too close, I do something completely stupid to make them go away. I know I do it and it is controlled so much better but I do it and I always put myself down for it. But, I guess the truth is, if they really truly want to know me and be a part of my life, they will be around no matter what I am going through. I think I need to be more open and honest with myself and the people I love about how I feel and accept that they may not be able to relate or agree and that is ok.

Well, I think I have procrastinated enough, the true and biggest thing I have ever done (that I can't seem to let go of) is the abortion I had in 2008. I was with someone that I thought really loved me, we were engaged, but it wasn't real. He was abusive verbally and physically. One day it became sexually, as he held me down on the bed and took what he wanted. I feel myself getting angry as I am typing this but I think maybe this will help me. About a week after this happened, (no, I didn't leave, not yet) he violated me for the last time when he dislocated my jaw and then proceeded to chase my daughter when she was calling for help. Never ever was my daughter in this position and the thought of forgiving myself for putting her there is out of the question. I can't, but I found the strength to pull myself up off the floor and protect my baby. Lets just say that when the police got there he looked worse than me. My daughter was in the car where I put her, locked safely. They took him away and he went to jail. I did the right thing and I pressed charges.

About a month later I found out I was pregnant. I hemmed and hawed over what to do and honestly, I feel like I made the right choice. I didn't want to bring another baby into the world under those circumstances. It just wasn't right, and up until that point in my life I was against abortion. My views changed when I was in the spot of making a choice, not just for me but my family and the unborn. Do I think about that day? Yes, I will never forget it. Just so you know they had to knock me out to do the procedure and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I think I need to forgive myself for that above all else. I let my baby girl go and I look at my other babies and wonder what she would have been like. What color were her eyes, hair? I can say that even though I have not forgiven myself completely for this I do feel that it was a choice and I did my best to make the right one.

(If you want to see previous days please click on the tag 30 days of truth)
30 days of truth: day 2

I love photography, if you can't tell and so I have joined a few hops that want to see different types of photographs. I really enjoy B&W pictures and this one turned out very nice. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. This is my two boys on a hot day. We went for a hike and found this amazing site along the way.

Anybody else lost their identity since motherhood? I am a mom, first and foremost but I am so much more as well. I need some help because my name has now disappeared and become Krystal, Jocelyn, Jacob and Charlie's mom!  I think by the time I have wandered into the years of freedom again not only will I not understand the concept of drinking hot coffee but I may not even remember my name. 
It is either I am related to as someone's mother or the mother with a child on the spectrum. I can see it now, I am 50 yrs old and I walk into the restaurant I have always dined at and the waiter says,"Hi Charlie's mom I will seat you now."  LOL...  I was almost mortified when I went to a parent teacher meeting and not once did she address me by my name. It was,"Hi, You must be Krystal's mom. She is such a sweet young lady.", and ending the meeting with,"It was a pleasure to meet you Krystal's mom." Where did I go?  At one point I even told my children they could call me by my given name in hopes to protect my identity. But then, I found them using it when they were mad and saying, No Charlene I don't want to. That stopped quickly and again I was thrown into the crisis of a multiple personality disorder gone wrong. 
The person I was born as has slowly disappeared. I don't even know what to do with myself when I don't have children in tow. Now, this does not happen often, yet this weekend I found myself playing Mario just to have some normal in my life. Scary, I know. I even went into my son's bedroom to "check" on him, but the problem is he wasn't home. I am determined to find Charlene and if you see her can you tell her I am looking for her? You can refer to me as MOM or advocate, or well anything that pertains to the children in my life. Now I am not complaining but this double life is taking a toll on me as I seem to have lost my double, and I can't find it. 
Does anyone know how I might regain my identity? Can we actually lead a double life, or should I adjust to this change of name? My identity remains lost in the mist of motherhood. Does yours?

So, I decided to join another blog hop. I have posted the link so you can feel free to join along. I really like the thoughts on this one and feel it is a great way to get to know fellow bloggers and moms like myself.

Last night I sat in my house with no children. I know, amazing right? I sat here all night pondering on what to do with my time. Wondering how other Moms deal with this situation. Where has my life gone? Why is it that we want alone time but once we get it we spend our time thinking about the little boogers we needed time away from? I mean, after we tidy up all their messes that they left behind, organizing their games, making their beds, we sit wondering if they miss us.

Pondering about what they are doing. Are they thinking about us? I actually found myself stunned and confused at what I was to do with my time. I could sit down and write, amazingly without interruptions, but I was drawing blanks. I didn't have any huge accomplishments to write about for the day or even a miserable screaming child to rant about. So, the question remains, What am I to do with my "alone time"? I guess it really isn't alone time. They are still in my head and thoughts.

Image via WikipediaIt was then my realization that my children are my inspiration. They give me the drive to wake up in the morning, make breakfast, etc. No, etc. is not an abbreviation for the Excedrin that we need throughout the day. LOL They give me all the material I need to write my blog. What better to write about then all the interesting, and in my case, odd dilemmas my family experiences? Where would Autism As A Whole be without my four children? What would I do without them? I probably would not be the same person I am today.

 Although with them away for a couple nights, I am able to put more thoughts together for the next week. It does give me some time to manage all the anxiety that comes with the job. I could prepare myself for the week ahead including trying to predict when melt downs will occur. I know I know, now that is an absurd thought!! But, hey I have nothing to do but sit here and think. That could be trouble. Well, I could do more constructive things like put the movies in ABC order, but that won't matter cause it wouldn't last long.

I think I need my kids home, NOW!!!! I never thought I would beg for that but I am pleading. Come home soon I miss you. I know for sure that within two hours of having them back I will probably be ready for them to go away again and I will need to read this post to refresh my memory of my "alone time". I have gotten used to the chaos and it is an active member of my household. So, I welcome the chaos back and beg my children to come back home.

TSo, We did it!!  We survived the whole day and I am alive, with hair!!! Charlie really tried to sit at the table tonight to eat but well, that did not work. So I had him sit away from the other children,but with me!! He loved the sweet potatoes and stuffing. He only ate a little turkey. It was a big step though. He tried the corn but says he doesn't like it anymore. I don't understand it, but maybe it is a texture thing. It went pretty good. I wanted to start by sharing the video of my children and what they were thankful for. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.


There were a couple spills and a lot of craziness but I chose not to have any family over because it always seems to overwhelm my son. The other kids were a little disappointed but I am sure they appreciated not having food fly or shrieking shrills through the house. It just gets pretty crazy. I do feel guilty at times for the other children but I think that is better than them dealing with the behavior that follows over stimulation.

All of the children seemed to be very content and happy. I mean we had our fights over Mario Brothers and who was gonna be first, but that is normal. Then we had a couple melts over little issues that were easily resolved and then well.... Then we had the topper of the evening.

Charlie and Jacob had decided to carry moon sand from one room to another and had it everywhere. What a mess but I cleaned it up and Charlie and Jocelyn helped me too. It wasn't that bad. So... looking at my day this year and remembering my day last year, ummm... I think we had an extraordinarily Thanksgiving. So, What do I have to be thankful for?

If I had been asked this question about a week ago, I would have laughed. Thankful, yeah right!! But looking at my children today and hearing the laughter in their voices made me think about this. I asked my children at mealtime as we do every year. My daughter said she was thankful for me and that just made my day. While I do have my bad days it is days like this that make it all come together. Days like this that make me remember why I accept the title Mom. Looking at my children and knowing I do have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for lasting through each day, sometimes I don't feel as if the end will come. I am thankful that my youngest son is who he is. That might confuse some but I don't want a cure for his autism. I want people to accept him for who he is. He wouldn't be him without his quirks. I am thankful to have two wonderful little girls. They are complete opposites so I get the best of both worlds. Although both of them are moody as hell and have a nasty attitude when they get upset. I am thankful for my son Jacob because he makes me see the sensitive side to life and his sweet eyes lighten my heart when I feel like everything is crazy. Lastly I am thankful my sisters, those whom I recently came in contact with again as well as all the others. It was my first Thanksgiving that I said Happy Thanksgiving to my sister in over 6 years. It was definitely a great feeling. It is nice to have family and friends who will stick by me no matter what I am going through. Thank you to all who have helped me and those who continue to help me jump over the hurdles of motherhood and life. Motherhood is not easy but it is wonderful to have people supporting me on my journey on another planet.

I was thinking today about what I could possibly write about when I recalled a conversation I had with another blogger about our children. I figured this subject would appease her and I am sure I can also converse about it. This is a first for me doing Blog Hops but I figured it could be fun. Let me give it a shot.

I want to know what kinds of things your children say that you wish they didn't. It could be the word Shit loud and clear in the grocery store or your chatty 6 year old that tells the charity people No, we can't Mommy has no money. Maybe it is as simple as them explaining in detail the contents of their puke. Well, Let's hear it.

Welcome to my day. I shall invite you in but with fair warning that you might want to run the other way. You see this morning I was trying to get Charlie ready for school and he was not cooperating. He said me do school at home. I told him that wasn't an option today and he had to get dressed. He then said his belly hurt and I checked him, he seemed fine. I convinced him to go to school so I got him dressed and off to school he went. If you have read my previous posts you will understand why I was so willing to put him on the bus. Can we say desperation for some sanity time?

I then proceeded to follow this up with a call to the school notifying them of my son's stomach ache. In other words I had to cover up the fact that I was sending him to school with a belly ache, by showing concern calling the school. This was around nine o'clock. At around 10:30 the school called me to ask me to pick him up. He had vomited all over himself and, to make it worse, he didn't have a change of clothes. When he got home he seemed fine. He said he felt better after informing me that he had started puking on the bus but he drinked it. Can we say gross??? He then proceeded to describe his puke to me and how it splattered on the floor. While I should be ecstatic that my son was able to be so verbal about this incident, it was downright disgusting and I didn't need to know. Who wants to hear about puke??

Could it get worse than that? YES!!!! I answer that quickly and sincerely!! I can't remember how many times he has vomited today but other than the vomit he is active and happy. Just a hint, If your child says My stomach.... run the other way. At least that's how I feel about it. I think my feelings on this issue became even stronger today. I approached him to give him a bucket because he said his stomach hurt, and before he even got the words out of his mouth vomit flew through the air onto my foot.Yuck!!! OMG....

Might I add that I have a very weak stomach and well, that did not help. I was gagging trying to stop my stomach from overturning, while debating on how to approach this disaster.  The thought to bribe my twelve year old when she came home from school to clean it up, but figured this would end in a bigger mess. I even considered calling FEMA and having them clean it up. These ideas were not reasonable,so I covered my nose and mouth with my shirt and a towel held open away from me. I tossed it over the mess and stepped away to gag some more. Oh My!!! How is it that after four children I still cannot manage to clean up puke with out puking myself?  All this time my son was sitting in the living room cuddled over a bucket with droll dripping down his chin. What a mom I am, no loving patting his back and telling him he is ok, No wiping his chin. Just tossing him a cloth from a distance and staying as far away from it as possible. Puke to me is like garlic to a vampire.

I did manage to clean it up, light incense and mop with a lot of Pine Sol. These items, were my saviors and thank god I have a washing machine. Imagine all of the top repeated about five times like a record with a scratch in it.  Ooops, now I must sound old cause I don't know how many people even know what a record looks like any more. I hope you enjoyed my post more than I have enjoyed my day.

I have needed to vent about this for a few days, but every time I sit down at my computer to write I find myself having second thoughts about sharing. I think my fear is that if I come across as a normal mother who loses their patience sometimes, my super hero label will disappear. I guess I just always feel the need to seem in control even when I am not, but  I really feel guilty about my parenting style I used this week and I feel all my readers deserve to know what happened. Maybe, if I am lucky,  someone, somewhere will tell me it is normal. But it isn't for me.

I seem to have an endless amount of patience with my ASD child. I mean, he can be screaming for over an hour and I can handle that. This week was the week from hell. Whatever could go wrong went wrong and to be perfectly honest I was beyond overwhelmed. Charlie seemed to scream for two days straight which put everyone else in the household on edge as well. I guess you can relate it to walking through a mine field knowingly. You know that at any moment your whole environment could just blow up and be in crisis. To make all of this worse, I got my period and my hormones were off the rictor scale. With all the issues revolving around his school, his severe behavioral problems and my PMS... well, I think you can relate, at least I hope.

The day was just craziness filled with tantrums and screaming over what seemed to me as stupid, ridiculous issues. "Jacob moved my cars, Jocelyn looked at me and Krystal touched my pillowcase." I wish he had spoken and told me what was going on but that did not happen. Instead I got erected from my chair or the stove, where ever I may have been at the moment by a shrieking shrill coming from the living room. It sounded as if someone was killing him. I rushed to see what was going on as even though this shrill is normal for him, I can't seem to adjust. I get there to my little man flapping his arms shrieking. Then jolting to hit or push whom ever was causing his disruption. I can't even describe the amount of stress that was wondering in my home for two days.

At one point he had gotten really upset and ran into our roommates room, which he uses as a calm down sensory room sort of. He isn't allowed in there unless the roommate is there and allows him but that rule got broken quickly. I swept in and tried to scoop him up and remove him when he slapped me in my face. It was at that point that my patience and everything else that I seem to be able to maintain flew out the window. I am not proud to reveal what I said to my son and I cringe while typing this. I looked at my son and told him,"Stop acting like a jerk. You are normal at least that is what everyone else thinks. You are just being a defiant brat!!" I proceeded to pick up my screaming, kicking child and carried him out of the room handing him to my boyfriend saying,"Do something with him please. I can't handle him, someone needs to take him."

After an hour of crying and searching through every phone number I had ever acquired with no luck of reaching anyone. I proceeded to call my ex-service coordinator and rant with her about how horrible of a parent I am and maybe I am just unable to deal with normal toddler behavior because now I was convinced that I was just a bad mom. That was the reason he was acting like this and all this time I have been acting like something was wrong with him. Amidst me crying and yes, whining on the phone (talk about self pity) for about 30 minutes, she interrupted me saying,"Take a breathe, cause you aren't crazy!!" I thought,"Are you freaking nuts? I just made my son feel like a stupid child and was totally wrong."

She proceeded,"I remember feeling like this myself. I know what you are going through but I "can say that you are not wrong about him. I saw it, Your son was showing signs of this for a long time, the providers saw it, but by law we cannot diagnose, we can only encourage you to see a specialist." All the time they were in my home working with my son they did acknowledge and have thoughts on what was going on. She reminded me of a specific incident that involved a therapist who had cancelled due to an illness and she came to my house. She said that day she was certain and Autism was very evident. I think that sometimes we get so caught up in trying to advocate and defend our children and it gets frustrating. You begin to doubt and think about whether you are right and how you are parenting. All parents, special needs or not go through the thoughts about how you parent.

This week was an eye opener and made me step back and really slow down. I needed to look at some of the things that have improved with my son because I have been so focused on the fact that he is just maintaining most skills not learning new ones. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on what he has accomplished in the last year. His speech is so much better now. I can understand what my son wants most of the time and his teachers actually have a clue what he is saying. He seems to be able to express when he is sad and has started to gain some pretend play. I think for myself I need to reflect more often and maybe I will be able to take some of the stress off of myself. My son may have Autism but I refuse to let Autism have my son.

My sister bought a book. Not just any old book, but a book that was recommended by her son's school. Honestly, I am not too thrilled with the schools, so I really can't be sure how much I trust their suggestions on anything let alone parenting. But, I figure what can I lose, I will take the trip with her and attempt to survive another parenting intervention. I am not saying I am a bad parent but hey we all have room for improvement and I really don't like yelling. It is amazing how easy it is to do something that you totally despise yourself. I want to fix that and well, I am going to.


I went through today with the thoughts to remain calm and not to yell. I wanted to put focus on what I want to achieve instead of what I don't want. I think I did pretty good as I only started to yell once. As I heard my tone rising I pivoted. I turned around and said,"I am feeling upset. If I am upset I am focusing on what I don't want. Do I want that in my life?" This feels really weird but yet I intend on following the book Easy to love, Difficult to Discipline, by Dr. Bailey.  As a matter of fact my twelve year old asked me who I was talking too as she gave me a really strange look. When I told her myself she just walked away as if she didn't even want to go there. She might think it is strange but, damn, I haven't yelled at her all day. I gave my daughter a hug and a kiss before bed and she took a shower tonight. I had a pretty good day.


Did everything get done? No, but to tell you the truth I accomplished a lot. I home schooled my four year old today and I even enjoyed it.Charlie counted to ten with me and we did some physical therapy with his exercise ball. We read books, did some music and played with Bullion cubes. Bullion cubes are a really great occupier for when Mommy is cooking. Just make sure that they are individually wrapped. They don't taste good but they won't do any harm if eaten. Best of all, they are a wonderful fine motor activity. It also works to do mimicking.(See what I built, can you do the same thing?) I think it is good that he enjoys learning. We also worked on colors and speech. All of that and I even did dinner, two loads of laundry, and swept the kitchen and living room floors.


I am so proud of my little ones. They are all growing so fast. I also tried out a virtual online school for Autism. Before I talk too much about it I want to really feel comfortable. Charlie seems to like it, for a few minutes at a time. I am considering taking him out of public schools and home schooling. I really can't decide because honestly, I am so tired I am falling asleep blogging. I am exhausted and also really sore. I wish I could say that I understand what the school goes through now, but I can't compare the two. I am one person and I prepare meals, give bathes, do laundry, clean house and now schooling too. They have many teachers working together to do what I did alone. I am not saying that the teachers don't do enough I am saying that the district doesn't give them any lee way to teach anymore. They have to program them. They don't have time to teach anymore and I think it is sad. Well, I am tired and really need to go to bed cause I am starting to rant and that is for another blog. Hey, maybe tomorrow. I will be posting a yelling log at the end of every post until I master this skill. Ummm... slight hesitation as I stated that. LOL.. I only yelled twice today and one of them was at the cat so does that count?

I am sure every parent has had moments they wish their child had a mute button. This could be for many reasons. Maybe you have a child like my sister's who will tell anyone near him how you need to buy raid because you have cockroaches all over your house. Perhaps more of the curious one who ponders over things in her head and then at the most inopportune time shouts out,"Mom, What is SEX?", as you are sitting in a restaurant eating. One of my favorites is when my youngest first started talking. He deleted the first consonant of every word for a really long time. We were walking through the store one day and he starts sing songing,"Shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...", without deleting the s!!  Yes, these all qualify as reasons for a mute button but what about a volume button. 

You may have noticed that in my previous blog posts I often refer to a place called  Spectrumville. It's really more of a state of mind than an actual location, and refers to both the autism community in general, and my own group of autism moms specifically. I both love and hate living in Spectrumville, and to that end, I decided to channel my inner country singer and write a drinking song about it.  Click the link to sing along to the tune of

Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville (then scroll down for the new lyrics).