Today is the 4th of January. My Dad’s birthday is next month. My niece's birthday is tomorrow. Why do I just want to cry? My Dad died on January 4th 2005. That means that he has been gone for six years today. It still seems like yesterday.
I am not sure how or even if I should try to explain the day to my ASD child. He didn’t know his PeePa but I want him to know of him. Is that too complicated for him? He has his PeePa’s name. He was born the following year and I felt he should bear my Dad’s name. It was easy to agree with his father on that one because his father’s name is the same as well.
Actually my son has the temper of my father so the name fits. LOL… He was the ultimate Grumpy Old Man and always throwing a debate at you which he argued whole heartedly. Surprisingly I miss that. I miss the Love ya instead of I love you. I think the first time I heard him say I love you was about a month before he died.
He used to call me at 10:30 pm and ask me to go to the store and get him a Primatene Mist, a dozen Dunkin Donuts Coffee and raisin cinnamon rolls. I would get so annoyed and then when I got there I would tell him I couldn’t stay long. He would keep me there for an hour or two talking about whatever hot debate was on the news. It bothered the hell out of me and when I look back I anger myself. That was precious time that I was so rushy to end. I would do anything to have a little more time.
I had so much going on when my father was really sick. I couldn’t be there as often as I wish I had. I think in life we all have regrets and we all consider the what ifs. Today is a really tough day for me. I am sorry I am ranting but it just suddenly hit me.
I woke up this morning and nearly chewed my daughter’s head off. Yes, she was in the wrong but, it didn’t require me to be the way I was. I chewed my boyfriend a new asshole over something minor. Then I felt as if my feelings were mocked and I felt so hurt.
I think this is one of those moments that you just don’t want to be in Mom mode. I don’t want to worry about everyone else’ feelings. I want someone to worry and care about my feelings. You know a hug and a little sympathy. Is that so much to ask for? I know my children just don’t get it. I wish they did but since I can just write it down and ease it a little I thank you all for listening to me blubber. OK… wiping the tears, putting the smile back on and onwards and upwards.
No comments:
Post a Comment