Siblings Feel Loss Too

Recently I wrote about the grief cycle in regards to a diagnosis from a parents view. I can touch on that as it is very real to me. What I haven't mentioned is how siblings deal with this. That is much harder as my oldest daughter really doesn't talk about it and my youngest is gifted and tends to try to hold everything in. She needs to be strong and have everything together. It doesn't always work though.

Chipmunk has seems very angry lately and has been getting very nasty with her brothers. What really struck me was how she was with Chucky cause she has always been sensitive to his needs. Now she is not!! Now she is angry!!! Now, she just  wants him to leave her alone which bothers Chucky a lot!!! I decided it was time to talk to her and try to figure out what was upsetting her.

After two hours of talking, this is a summary of what I learned. Yes, I said it, my daughter taught me a few things and I want to share them with other parents. I think it is insightful and I know I am guilty of not seeing things from their viewpoint.

First, she thought all of it was catchy, like a cold. Yes, you may laugh and she probably thought it was a ridiculous thought at first too and maybe she knew it wasn't possible but it was a thought. A thought that brought emotion and she does not like feelings or emotions. She has always felt like she had to hold all of that together. I explained that it wasn't a "catchy" thing and she asked why Jacob just got "weird" suddenly. That was her wording. I told her that he was always quirky and she probably just saw it as annoying brother stuff until all the doctors appointments, testings and finally diagnosis.

I think it is really important to validate their feelings, especially when they are so confused on how they are feeling. Therefore I expressed how I felt and encouraged her to add to that. I told her that I havent aways considered her feelings to be anywhere close to how I felt. I told her she must feel very sad. I also asked her if she experienced any of my feelings. She started to cry and wiped her face to maintain her strength. She said her throat was hurting and I told her she had to loosen up and just feel. Crying is ok and it is normal. I told her that I have cried about it. I wanted her to understand that what she was feeling was normal and ok.

It was at that point that she got a little frigid and said, "Charlie can do things. He just does not want to. He can because my cousins can and they are younger." Bang... a taste of reality hit me, and I knew what was going on. I hugged her and tried to explain that her brother does not develop like other children. I think it was easier when Chucky was smaller because she always considered him a baby. Too young to understand, but now he is in school and able to walk and talk and she expects so much more from him. She is feeling the same kind of loss I feel when I am sitting in a restaurant and I see a child that is the same age as my son and yet seems to be able to do so much more. It is loss. I feel her pain as she plays with her cousins and wishes she could play with her brothers in the same way.

I guess what I am trying to point out is that even though they seem to understand and be able to cope with it all, they still have very similar feelings as us parents. They still wish it were different and get frustrated. We are always trying to get through the day and I know my patience gets thin with my girls if the boys are having a rough day. We need to try to balance a little and I wish I could explain how. But, I am just learning and haven't found all of the pieces to the puzzle. Each day provides another puzzle piece to the mystery of raising a family with special needs.

I am going to look into nearby SIBS groups and also a counselor. The girls may have trouble talking to me about it all because they now how stressed out I already am. It is hard for me to sort out my emotions and I can't imagine how hard it must be for children who haven't grown enough to learn the coping skills yet. I hope this helps us as parents to dig a little deeper when our children seem excessively angry. Maybe there is an underlying issue at hand.