Motherhood, Giftedness, Aspergers: Mission Impossible

I’ve talked about giftedness on this blog many times and most of you are aware that both of my children are extremely gifted.  Having gifted children can be challenging but I have to admit, they blow my mind every single day and I know just how blessed I am.  But sometimes, their giftedness is confusing and sometimes it feels like more of a curse.
Such is the case with The Professor.


As many might already know, The Professor is a real scatter-brain.  He has zero organizational skills, he doesn’t excel so much socially and I struggle to teach him the skills he needs outside of his education. Lately, I’ve got new worries on my heart.

Last summer, I took The Professor to a psychiatrist.  I think she was a psychiatrist.  She was meant to be a counselor.  I was concerned because I felt like I was not succeeding in teaching him the social norms and emotional coping skills he needed and I needed guidance.  I wasn’t looking for any kind of diagnosis because in fact, I didn’t think anything was necessarily wrong. I simply believed that my gifted child was really struggling emotionally and socially and I knew that I was reaching the end of my patience and ability to teach him.

He has been evaluated by at least 6 others prior to this because I thought he was struggling with ADD or ADHD but all 6 didn’t see it.  They said that he was simply a very gifted little boy and this was par for the course.  My pediatrician has said the same thing to me several times.
But this time, after 3 sessions, the psychiatrist called me into the room and said that my job should not be this hard.  She thought The Professor had many of the signs of Aspergers.
I know lots of parents with Aspergers children.  I know lots of parents with Autistic children too.  Many of my favorite bloggers face these challenges every day!  But for me, I was completely lost when she said this.  My heart was racing, my head was spinning.  I was racking my brain looking for the signs that must have been there long ago.  I was struggling with the fact that she had only seen him 3 times.  My pediatrician has seen this child hundreds of times and swears there is nothing wrong with this kid!  And more than anything else, I was struggling with bring this issue to The Husband, whom I knew would not be okay with this.

I was SO right about The Husband.  His reaction to this was significantly less than supportive.  I had doubts myself, and big ones, so eventually, the issue simply went away.  I pulled him from counseling and we went about our happy lives as though the word “Aspergers” had never been uttered. I know Aspergers isn’t a bad thing.  I know it isn’t something that can be medicated.  I know that it just requires a new understanding of the way my son thinks and a lot more patience than I have had in the past.  I know we don’t even need the diagnosis to change the way we handle situations with him.  But I also know, after some research, that gifted children often struggle in the same areas as Aspergers.  And I’ve read that gifted children are often misdiagnosed as Aspergers and vice versa.  It’s like playing Russian Roulette with my child’s psychology! Very confusing. So eventually, we dropped the whole issue and carried on.  


Occasionally, I would see The Professor do something that made me think “Aspergers!”, or he would melt down over something that seemed so insignificant and I would mentally replay that day in the counselors office and worry quietly to myself.  But I never spoke those concerns out loud and once whatever incident that spurred the thoughts passed, I was over thinking about it.  Until recently.
Recently, I find that I am really struggling with parenting The Professor.  I am concerned because I feel like I am seeing signs of depression in him.  He can’t sleep (which is nothing new on it’s own and a trait of a gifted child) but then once he falls asleep, he has begun waking in the middle of the night and complaining that he cannot go back to sleep.  The boy slept maybe 6 hours in three days recently and I had to send him to bed with no television or books to read for two days in a row just to ensure that he got some rest because the poor kid looked like hell.  He still has regular #2 accidents, which are both disgusting and frustrating for me, and I don’t handle the incidents very well because he is nearly 10 years old! I thought he was being lazy but discipline isn’t working and neither are reminders.  There HAS to be something wrong with that.  But more disturbing than any of the above, is his attitude about both himself and the world in general.  He has become very negative.  The boy is miserable.  He has a very low opinion of himself and I can’t figure out why.  No matter how many times I tell this kid that he is spectacular, awesome – amazing, he still thinks he is too small and not good enough. 

It seems like an issue a 9 year old should not be struggling with but it’s been said that the gifted are often at a greater risk for depression even at this young age.   He has become very picky about the foods he eats, preferring to eat waffles with nothing else on them, shying away from mayonnaise or butter, complaining that certain foods make him want to hurl and drinking only specific juices.  He doesn’t even like the sugar loaded cereals he has always loved in the past.  And he’s becoming aggressive.  This is a concern because every little thing can set him off.  If he spills his milk, he might jump up screaming and try to tip the table over and for the past few weeks he has even raised his hand to me a couple times.  This is not a discipline problem.  It can’t be! You can only discipline so many times before you start seeing that this child just isn’t learning anything from it!  Furthermore, he doesn’t like hugs anymore.  When he does hug me he does so with his arms, but his ass and the rest of his body never come even close to touching me.  I have to physically move his body and guide him to giving me a “real hug”.  Would you be worried?

My girlfriend says I talk to much, explain to much, allow him to argue with me too much.  But not talking results in a longer melt down and the result is always the same.  The behavior is repeated again and again and I’m tired of disciplining while quietly worrying over whether there is something else going on.  My gut is torn on this issue so I can’t rely on that.  On a good day, I see a gifted child.  But I gotta admit there are few of those anymore and on a bad day, I am sure there is something else going on.  There is one place where my gut is not torn.  I cannot simply stop talking to this child.  I cannot lay down the law and believe that he is getting it.  He isn’t getting it.  And I don’t, in my heart, believe that he is playing me.  I know some others believe that, but I know my son and he is not playing me.

I am taking him to my pediatrician.  I am not going there with any specific concern.  I am going there asking him to spend some time with The Professor and assure me that he is developmentally okay.  I am going to tell him the behaviors that are concerning me as well, but I will not walk into his office asking if my son is Aspergers.  I trust that if the signs are there and I am bringing the other issues to the attention of the pediatrician, he will see it.  I really trust my pediatrician.  He has never ever given me any reason not to.

I could really use my Aspergers parents out there to shed some light on this subject for me.  I am hoping that because The Husband trusts our pediatrician, if this is what the pediatrician comes up with, he will at least give it a chance.  If not, I can always just change my parenting style and wait for him to see it.  His relationship with The Professor has been faltering lately as well because he is fed up with the behavior.  Eventually, he has to see that everything we have done thus far simply isn’t working and accept that there may be another explanation for all the behavior that The Professor exhibits.

I don’t have the money to go buy books on this subject right now, but if there is something that you want to recommend, please go ahead.  I’m even open to offers to mail me a book if you think it will help.  I could really use some guidance and support here, so please, from one parent to another, Help Me.

Signed, If This Is Motherhood