Autism As A Whole

I went out this weekend to do the Shamrock run with my niece. I was not expecting to run. I thought I was going to watch the parade. Until, my children wanted to be in the run. So, what did I do? I ran and walked in the parade about 2.5 miles with my children. Thankfully my sister was able to take Buddy cause he was tuckered out but my lil man Chucky Cheese walked the whole thing. Except for the times he was carried in between, but, he walked the whole time. LOL.. I think the hardest part was in the beginning when they shot the gun off and Chucky started flapping and spinning and Buddy covered his ears and cried. My poor babies. So I cuddled for a minute and picked Buddy up, almost getting trampled but hey, my babies needed me. Then off we went. It was a bit crowded at first but with how slow my kids went we were soon in open space and it was wonderful. Great exercise for them. So, what is the point of all of this?

Image by K!T via FlickrIt has been a very hectic time for my family so I have taken some time away from blogging. I am trying though and I am constantly thinking about things I want to blog about but can't seem to write it out. I am just so packed with new information and I need time to process and sort it all out. I hope you all understand. As I signed in this morning I noticed that my audience has grown quite a bit and that makes me happy. Are you wondering what topic I am going to rant about today?

Have you ever said something to someone and had it interpreted completely wrong? Imagine hearing everything that way. Children on the spectrum go through this everyday and it must be confusing. A friend that I spoke to said that it is almost like living in a different country and only having a limited knowledge of their language so everything is strange and unorganized. Another friend described it as a Charlie Brown episode and only hearing certain words in a conversation.

I bring this up because the other day my son came home from school really excited and confused. He was telling me a story about his speech therapist and how she had asked him to help her make copies of her copy of the school. He said she lifted the whole school and made a copy of it. I was laughing so hard and got yelled at for laughing. He did not think it was funny at all. He seriously envisioned her lifting the school and putting it on the copy machine. He said she was very strong!

This was a prime example of how literal our children are. I remember when he was little and I had said it was raining cats and dogs and he was looking for the cats and dogs in the sky. It was pretty funny but it also showed me how literal they really are.

I have noticed lately that my posts are not getting many comments. I hope that this is not because of the pathetically depressing posts my fingers are typing. I know that in my blog I mostly discuss my children and how having special needs children is as a household. I try to keep it positive because there are positive aspects. Last week though is a complete blur. I have been recovering my sanity and I found the perfect cure. Listen up this is good!!!

During my mental breakdown, that was seriously triggered by a diagnosis, I called my local Mental Health. I  cried and told them I needed an appointment really quick. They got me in amazingly quick, they probably though I was going to go postal if they didn't. Yes, I was that upset. It was ridiculous but normal. I went into the appointment and was a bit nervous because I haven't needed therapy in almost 5 years. I was taking 20 steps backwards, or so I thought. You see in 2 hours I explained my whole issue. He asked how I was and I said, I;m here, and I'm still alive. He nonchalantly said, well thats two points for you. I don't know why but he was comforting and easy to talk to, although I am sure that any stranger that would listen to me cry and complain for two hours would have worked. I just chose the costliest method.

I explained about my boys and all that had happened for the week. I explained why I felt to blame and even asked a few questions, but he didn't have to answer them because I answered them myself.  I probably sounded like a ranting lunatic that wasn't even coming up for air. But... After I vented, he said the most amazing words. He told me that he would be overwhelmed as well and it was overwhelming to listen to. While a part of me says that it is his job to make me feel better I want to believe that he understood. I can say that after I left the appointment I felt so much better. I started eating regularly again and I was happy. I slept really well that evening as well and the next day I felt like I could conquer anything. I think I was feeling a grief for my son and I had to release it  before I could move on.

Well the Mental Health agency called me yesterday to appoint me a therapist. Funny right? I told her that I wouldn't be able to go in for a couple weeks cause my son had appointments. I also told her that I wasn't sure I needed to go in at all because their intake worker was amazing and I felt 150% better after I talked with him. She stated that was great but it might be good to have a support there through this stressful time. I wonder if she really meant that or of she was saying it because of her paycheck. I am going to appease her and go back. My old therapist left and I was with her for a long time. I guess I should at least make sure that I have my mind together.

About a year ago Chucky Cheese was waking up every night screaming for a drink or something. It was so hard. I wasn't getting proper sleep and that made me a very cranky mommy. The Melatonin did help and he does sleep better then he ever did. I use it in combination with a disco spinning light. The light helps him to self soothe when he wakes up. At least it used to....


Lately sleep has become a luxury. It is no longer something that I may enjoy and I guess I get it according to when he allows me to instead of when I need it. I might actually have to start sleeping during the day just to ensure I can function. Just hook me up to an intravenous line and keep the coffee coming. Then I can survive the torture of sleeplessness. 


Last night, as I was cooking dinner, my twelve year old got an itch to try to be helpful. Hmm.. I sure wish she could have felt like helping by cleaning her room, but NO... she was helping to put her brother to bed. Sweet right??? Nope... NOT GOOD AT ALL!!! Charlie usually goes to bed at 7:30 and is asleep by 8 pm. With this schedule he will awake at 6:30 - 7 am every morning. This morning he woke up at 3:15 am and wanted to get in my bed. Not too bad right? WRONG!!! He kicked the hell out of me all night. NO sleep for me!! The night before last he woke up upset because his blanket fell on the floor. 


All of this waking mommy up stuff has got to stop!!! I need sleep!! Then when he goes to school I can't sleep because I am already out of bed and have had to be outside in the cold air. So, I have a headache and am a little cranky. On the bright side, he was telling me that he has magic today!! I am so excited. He is improving and making strides. I guess I just have to keep that in thought. Progress!!!!!

Throughout the past few days I have felt anger, pain, hurt, denial and helplessness. I do not understand why I am feeling the way I have felt and I don't like it. I do not want to feel any more. I just want to be numb. Pass me some tranquilizers. Just kidding, about the tranquilizers but please give me a break. As I stated before Buddy is going to be evaluated and has been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome. It isn't the end of the world so why do I feel so crushed. Devastated beyond belief. I don't want him to have these struggles.

I am angry that this is happening and I don't want to accept it. I want him to have it easier and I want to be able to help him. I hate feeling helpless and unable to ease his worries. It is heartbreaking to hear him telling me to stop his head and get rid of the tic. I can't and if I could I really would. I feel like I am locked behind a glass wall forced to watch him struggle with no way of helping him. This is torture. I have to admit it must be one of the hardest things to cope with and I am not doing a good job at it.

I have felt so many conflicting emotions and some that I am not even sure how to describe. I guess it all boils down to the fact that it isn't fair. It isn't fair both my boys have to struggle and it isn't fair that I do not know the answers. I hate wading in dark waters unable to see what is lurking underneath. I do not want to make a mistake. I want to make the right choices. Why can't the answers just appear in front of me. I know I sound ridiculous but I am so done with all of the struggles.

Whew, glad to get that off my chest.....

Mornings can be really tough. There are days that Chucky is easy to get ready for school and then there are the days he is not cooperating. Days in which he won't take a shower or get dressed. How do I deal with these mornings? I am actually curious how you deal with rough mornings. I think it is a method of survival for us moms. I have had to accept the fact that my coffee is usually going to be cold before I finish the cup and I should probably put pants on under my robe so that I can run to the bus without forever tainting the poor children's minds with my legs.

I must admit that the television is a wonderful help in the mornings. He has a set morning routine and it includes some TV time. Chucky never used to watch TV and I loved that, but I can say that it does help to motivate him. I allow the TV on when he first wakes and he can watch it for about 15 min before I have to start getting him ready. Then it is time to shower and we have to struggle with all of the sensory overload induced during this task. There are days he loves the shower and there are days even the sound of the shower is overwhelming for him. I remember when he refused to shower because he referred to it as mosquitoes biting him. Now he just tells me it is too loud. If anyone figures out how to turn the volume of the shower down, please let me in on that!

After he takes a shower we have to deal with the cold feeling he gets when he steps out of the shower. We won't even discuss the meltdown that occurs when the rug on the floor gets wet. He then refuses to get dressed because he is cold. Umm... last I knew, putting clothes on when you are cold, makes you warm. So, he runs into the living room where I chase him down and dry him off. Then we fight to get him dressed. At times he will put his underwear and shirt on. Pants are still a little tough for him but he has done it on his own on occasion. It is a major improvement to where we were last year.

After getting dressed we make breakfast which goes really smooth, once he decides what he wants to eat. The little booger will eat the same thing for a week and expect that food until one day he doesn't want to touch it anymore. Then I have to figure out what he wants to eat. LOL.... This is where it gets tricky because unfortunately I did not get ESP when I had him and therefore I cannot read his mind. Sometimes it is easy and then there are times it is trying. So he finally eats and we wait for the bus. Whew... what a busy morning. How do yours go? What makes it easier or harder?

Chucky was three before I had any clue as to what was going on with him. I went three years thinking this child didn't like me at all. It was a hard three years so I think when I received a diagnosis I was relieved. There was a reason why he was not attentive to me. It gave me closure and moving forward was so much easier. I instantly found myself researching and looking for methods to help him grow. I never thought about curing him just understanding him. I found myself content with him and happy he was who he was.

The last week has been a long and tiring one. There has been so much going on and I am now feeling worn down. Anyone else go through that? Do you remember all the issues Buddy was having in school? I have not been able to forget as I have to be the janitor in most serious problems.

I am a little embarrassed to admit that while I cook a lot I usually do not broil. Last night however, I decided I was going to broil a steak. My boyfriend would have stuck the steak on a cookie sheet which would ruin the cookie sheet, but I have to say it was so much better than what I did. *cringe*

 Hey, I was never taught how to cook. I just improvise and make it work. No serious catastrophes yet. Nothing like If This Is Motherhood has done. I am invincible, or so I thought. I think the worst thing I ever did was when I was attempting to make lasagna. I didn't think about the possibility that the pan would overflow and my oven caught on fire. So, I ,being my genius self, got the fire extinguisher and spayed my wonderful lasagna and the inside of my oven. It was tough to clean up and two trays of lasagna were destroyed but I didn't burn them.

He had brought home a delicious looking steak and I put it in a glass cassarole dish on the top rack of the oven. That is what you are supposed to do right? All was going well and then I got distracted. I realized and rushed to the oven thinking I must have burned the steak. He came out and said the steak looks great and we bent down to take a look. He then proceeded to flip the steak and that is when it all went wrong.

He lifted the steak up with a fork and the whole dish burst into pieces. There was flying pieces of glass throughout the whole kitchen. It was all over the bottom of my oven and covered the floor. With this new found knowledge I stress you, DO NOT BROIL IN A GLASS PAN. It was not a pretty site, and it took hours to clean up!!!!