Ever have someone ask you what you enjoy to do and have a hard time answering? How about the infamous conversation that ultimately ends up about your children? This is my life. I am so overwhelmed with my children that I do not have a life outside of them. I am not complaining, I just feel lost. I feel consumed. Anyone else feel consumed by your child(ren)'s needs? Honestly, everything keeps piling up, It is one thing after another. Nothing ever seems to slow down. Life seems to be racing past and it is moving so fast everything is a blur. Please tell me someone can relate cause I have been left in the dust.It seems to be a thick dust that covers me in a massive coat of dirt. It wraps around me with particles of doubt, concern, and fear. The dust is embracing every aspect of my life and blinds me to my own needs. Every now and then a huge boulder will spit at me through the dust knocking me to my knees. It seems to fill my lungs with soot leaving it hard for me to breathe. The dust engulfs my surroundings leaving everything gray. I am empty, alone, and silenced; until I struggle to lift myself back up off the ground and shake off.
The air around me starts to clear and I can breathe again. It still seems heavy and short but there is life in my lungs. I am still here, I still exist. I am changed forever though. That is just the way life works. This storm that just hit me has passed until the next one comes along but I survived it. It wasn't easy and I am not done. I still have to wash up, change my clothes, and do my hair so I can move forward as if nothing knocked me down.
As I clean myself up I notice how much change occurred,kids seem 3 inches taller, season is changing, and school year over. I wonder where the time went, as it seems like only yesterday. Seems as if things are slowing down for a moment and I am able to enjoy small simple pleasures. I notice the tiny insects crawling, the smile on my children's faces, and I rejoice in small accomplishments most take for granted. I have seen how fast my life is passing and I treasure the moments I can slow down. But I still can't find me. I guess all the storms of dust have swept me far away. Where have I gone? When is there time to savor me as a person instead of as a mom.Someday, I will find myself, someday, I will give myself the time and attention I need. For now, it has to be about them. At this moment the winds are unpredictable and storms come frequently. Time seems to whiz by and moments are lost. I choose to treasure the people I can find. Love to the greatest level of loving and create the memories to remember. I choose to live and teach the greatest gifts I have and eventually the winds will slow down, the dust will fall to the ground, and I can start digging to find me again.
4 comments:
I felt like you were just describing, in detail....my own life. You are not alone in what your feeling, or experiencing. Love you, and I;m here always. <333
I know all to well what you are talking about! I have been there and been stuck there! People will ask what do you like to do, what are your hobbies, Do you get out and do things without your kids? I am always shell shocked and almost feel like a dumb ass for not doing any of that stuff. I can't seem to figure out how others do it! How do they get to do what they want and get out without their kids and spend time for their relationship(s). I mean what the hell is girl time? What do they do? What is friend time what to say and what to do?
Our lists keep getting bigger and bigger harder and harder to get through. I look back and think how in the world was I able to do everything I did in the past? Would I be able to do it again?
Yes I definatly agree that we get stuck in the work, paper work and such. That is a normal part of our life. Others outside might not see our point of view.
We have to force ourselves to slow way down! We have to make ourselves do that even if it means important things get put off to a later time.
Savor as a mom hmmmmm I can't even answer that cause to be honest I can't even do anything without at least 1 of my kids. I have no idea what it is like to go shopping without 1 or both of them. I feel lost when they are not with me.
As they are getting older they are getting more independent. How ever 1 or a couple of our kids will or might need help the rest of their lives. So then what we have to do is MAKE time either when they are sleeping but we can't leave cause they get up at night, can't get respite cause everybody is afraid of our kid(s). So in reality we are just really stuck unless we can find another way. That is why we have the internet and text msging skype and other means of social interaction, Online shopping is how I shop mostly.
I LOVE this post! It is so true and I am sure that many parents feel this way!
Trust menu are not alone. sounds like my life. and we think when they get older it will get easier but when you have kids on the spectrum its not going to get easier. they may get bigger and grow older but nothing will change. I'm sorry I sound so negative but lately I've realized its not going to get easier I think as my boys with asd grow older its going to be so much harder to do things. the future scares me.
I know the feeling as I have been in work with therapy fulham about autism for five years now. Even if it is a volunteer sessions, I feel overwhelmed at times and I must say very time consuming where specific schedules are workable in the weekends. I try to comfort myself with the thought of how noble this calling is.
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