I thought this week was going to be great. I thought that my son's miraculous evening may last longer than one evening. What was I thinking? Maybe I wasn't even thinking. Maybe I was hoping. I was hoping that I could savor a little normalcy in my life. Have the Autism disappear for a little while. I hoped that my son could feel at ease for a little while. I hoped that I could enjoy every loving moment for more than 6 hours. My hopes were crushed. I never down my son's autism but being it is Throat Punch Thursday and I seem to be so on the edge, here it goes.
My household is on egg shells, my relationship over. I feel so lost and I am not even sure who I am anymore. I need to touch base with me again. I haven't had a true desire to go out and take photographs lately because I can't stop thinking about all the chaos. I can't blame those that can't handle being "with" me anymore because I don't even know who "me" is. I am not even sure if it is normal to feel like this but I try so hard to bury these things deep and remain functional. I don't feel as functional anymore. I pick up my camera and take ordinary pictures just because I want feel the joy of it again. I want to enjoy my life.
Things seem so blurry. One meltdown leads to another meltdown to another and it is a viscous cycle. Autism destroyed my phone. A bus along with 20 some other cars ran it over because my son was having a really rough morning. It has left bruises on my legs, scratch marks on my son and bumps on his head. I am so fed up with it today. Leave my son alone. Autism may be a part of who he is but it will NOT and I will Not let it have him completely. We are fighters and as sad and hurt and lost as I may feel today, tomorrow is another day. Whew, so... I give a Throat Punch to Autism for the heartache it gives me and all the trials it puts my son through.
6 comments:
Good post. This too shall pass. Hugs.
Oh so familiar. We just spent an extra hour getting Sam in bed. On the one hand, he wanted to brush his teeth. On the other hand HE DID NOT WANT TO BRUSH HIS TEETH. BUT HE WANTED TO BRUSH THEM. Until he threw himself on the (OUCH) tile floor and screamed screamed screamed about the dilemma. I wound up making vocal fry sounds at him (it's the deepest vocal register, but it isn't necessarily a voicy-sounding sound. I guess google it if the term isn't familiar. But he finds those really soothing. (Why? They hurt MY ears when I'm MAKING them.) And he's finally in bed now. I couldn't have cared LESS about the teeth. But he ultimately opted for brushing.
And he's the one who's almost under control right now. Oy. Yes. Punch out Autsim for me. (oooh great fundraiser idea).
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hang in there honey. (((you))))
Nice to know about this, its really informative information that talks about Autism keep it up guys..
Fab Defence
I know that caring for autism in parents can be both emotionally and physically taxing. Here in the UK, we have counselling nottingham that also supports the emotional needs of both parents and childs. If by some chance a group nearby can offer the same assistance.
There should be a group that supports families with special children. Perhaps a community organization that would help each other so that these things would not happen.
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