Live, Love and Encourage

Things have been really hectic lately and all the schedule changes, vacation days, and school delays have really taken a toll on Mr. Chucky Cheese. His behaviors have been so far from desirable. There has been a lot of screaming and uncontrollable rages. I am at my wits end on how to deal with him sometimes. There are not too many parents that I know personally with issues like mine and so it is really hard to thoroughly get it off my mind. 

Earlier in the week my sister stopped by my house and Charlie was in mid melt. She tried to approach him and he was not responding. It was really hard to try to step back and allow someone to try to help because I knew in my mind that he was beyond calming down. This had to take it's course and likely there would be another one to follow. She really did try though and I found it interesting that her face seemed to bear the same pain that I feel. Watching him so upset and wanting to help him but knowing he needs me to stay away. She was seeing what I see every day. The tears and screaming, face getting splotchy, wanting to rock him , hold him, love him but he won't let you near him. He looks so confused and angry in this state and at times it is very scary. I often find myself wondering what I am going to do when he completely overpowers me. What will I do? What will others do?

Yesterday, my sister had called and was going to stop in after work but opted not to. I asked why and she said she felt as if she had upset Charlie by stopping by. I assured her that he had already been screaming for 15 min and she seemed to feel as if he would have stopped when she showed up. In some cases this is true. She can on occasion pull him out of a melt. This meltdown, like most of his lately, was not that easy to fix. I felt sad that she felt my son didn't want her here cause he really does love her. 

I wanted to tell her about how I feel when this occurs. I wanted to tell her how I thought my son hated me for years. The thoughts emerged to relay to her that those very same feeling she had are mine on a daily basis. But, I didn't. Instead I find myself wanting to beg her not to walk away. I know she wouldn't cause she loves her nephew, but the thought still creeps on me. I want to show her all the adorable pictures I can so she can forget the face of pain and hurt. I don't want her to ever feel as if he doesn't want her here. I know how that feels. I know that pain and I don't want anyone to feel that.

Chucky Cheese is an amazing little boy and I know he doesn't mean to act the way he does. He loves life but seems to get so confused and overwhelmed. He doesn't know how to communicate it all. He lashes. This past week was the worst I have seen him in a very long time. I have to look for the positive things even when it seems there is no good. 

I feel I have to share the end result of another meltdown that happened this week. Chucky was upset over a school delay and melting snow. He really got upset and opened a brand new box of noodles, throwing them all over the floor. I was already totally overwhelmed and had another mom call me to talk me through the morning. I walked away into another room and when I went back in the kitchen, this is what I found. He had made a letter "C" on the floor with the noodles. I had to take a picture of his accomplishment as I am excited over the small moments.

I know that many parents don't understand the small joys that I celebrate and that it probably drives them nuts to hear me constantly talking about them. I hear the lack of excitement but I don't care. I need to share these moments as much as they need to share the fact that their child made the honor roll or scored their first touchdown. 

These joys I celebrate are the same to me as your baby's first steps because I waited so much longer to see and hear the things that most hear much sooner. I still get excited when my son says "I love you" and when he looks me in the eye or hugs me spontaneously. I also feel the need to rejoice and share these moments with whoever may listen disregarding their lack of understanding or interest. We all live our own lives and rejoice in our own moments. We also all have fears and for some they may be buried pretty deep. But, you can move past that because I was that fearful parent without the knowledge of special needs. I was thrown onto a planet I knew nothing about. I am thankful to the wonderful new support system I have that we all need. 

This post was inspired by my sister at If This Is Motherhood. At first her post angered me. Then I realized that everything she had written I had already known.