My eyes shed many tears, yet you feel I am strong. My heart hurts beyond any pain I have ever felt, yet you feel I am stronger. My mind shuts down and I can't remember and it takes notes, alarms and friends to remind me of things, yet to you, it appears I am managing it all. My house is cluttered and I have no clue where to start. There are days I feel like my whole life is falling apart! Strong??? It isn't all strength. I don't really have a choice. I do it because I have to!When I gave birth to my four children I vowed to each of them that I would NEVER give up on them and I would ALWAYS be there. No matter what life hurls at me I cannot stop. Sinking is not an option. I wish everyone could really see how my mind NEVER shuts off. I constantly wonder what more I can do and how I can help them. Was there something I could have done differently and Is this my fault run constantly in my head like a hamster on a wheel. If only everyone really knew.
It takes a lot to write and it is hard to express how I really feel about it all. My son appears to be in good health and with all my heart I wish that were true. I wish the doctors could figure it all aout and this nightmare could be over. But, Reality is that this is a path I must take, a road that needs to be traveled. There has to be a reason I have to endure this pain. You might think this is about "God", and I guess in a sense it is something like that. Whatever "God" is for you, I believe in harmony, spirits, energy and fate. Whatever is at the end of this, there is a lesson to be learned and I will be a little stronger even when I feel the weakest.
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