Autism As A Whole

My mind probably looks a little like this;
and I don't do drugs but within the last 8 years I seem to have lost so much cranial function it is insane.

I make coffee and forget to drink it, I have left my keys in odd places, lost large amounts of money, and forgotten about many important dates.

Early onset Alzheimers?? Most likely not! Stress does many things and then your body sends warning signals out to inform you that the stress is too much. It could be memory loss, pain or even headaches. Your body has to cope as well and that is how it deals with Stress.

Does any of that rubbish help me?? Nope! I know I am way too stressed but I do not know what I am supposed to do to relieve that stress.
My stress will not go away but I can start trying to alleviate some daily stressors and take some time to relax at the end of the day! 

My memory isn't the only thing suffering though. Emotionally I can not handle ANY extra added stressors. If I lose my keys, I am a blubbering mess. If I can't find the hairbrush, tears.... Ugh. Last night I went into the living room to lay on the couch and tripped on a glass full of water and it spilled all over the floor. What do I do?? Stomp my feet and tears!!! Ugh.. This woman needs to find a human dehydrator cause I am sick of tears!

So, emotionally I think I am shot but we must go on and continue going! I will be okay, I just have to reground myself and find ways to cope with the insanity and the constant stress that comes with parenting2 special needs boys, one being medically fragile as well and two teen/preteen girls !
People wonder why my hair is almost white!!! Every strand tells a story!

Every day holds an adventure they say..... Well, with children like mine that is most definitely true. So much happens and I feel like I am on a never ending roller coaster. I have days when all I want to do is cry and the next day I might be fine. People look at me and ask me how I manage and others tell me how strong I am, but they really do not know. Unless you walk down my path, will you ever understand??

My eyes shed many tears, yet you feel I am strong. My heart hurts beyond any pain I have ever felt, yet you feel I am stronger. My mind shuts down and I can't remember and it takes notes, alarms and friends to remind me of things, yet to you, it appears I am managing it all. My house is cluttered and I have no clue where to start. There are days I feel like my whole life is falling apart! Strong??? It isn't all strength. I don't really have a choice. I do it because I have to!

When I gave birth to my four children I vowed to each of them that I would NEVER give up on them and I would ALWAYS be there. No matter what life hurls at me I cannot stop. Sinking is not an option. I wish everyone could really see how my mind NEVER shuts off. I constantly wonder what more I can do and how I can help them.  Was there something I could have done differently and Is this my fault run constantly in my head like a hamster on a wheel. If only everyone really knew.

It takes a lot to write and it is hard to express how I really feel about it all. My son appears to be in good health and with all my heart I wish that were true. I wish the doctors could figure it all aout and this nightmare could be over. But, Reality is that this is a path I must take, a road that needs to be traveled. There has to be a reason I have to endure this pain. You might think this is about "God", and I guess in a sense it is something like that. Whatever "God" is for you, I believe in harmony, spirits, energy and fate. Whatever is at the end of this, there is a lesson to be learned and I will be a little stronger even when I feel the weakest.