Guess I am just a slacker, I don't know how some of these moms do it. I am not good at managing time and I tend to consume myself reading articles, helping other parents and researching medical stuff. The end result seems to be NO TIME TO BLOG.
So far I am surviving, cant say I am dealing with all of this great and my hopes are high. I cant even try to tell you how I feel because I don't know. I am angry, sad, scared, amongst many other emotions that I can't even describe. I still haven't gotten any test results back but they did run the full Mitochondrial test and they mentioned Leukodystrophy. It is so scary to even imagine so I am sure you can understand why I haven't posted about it.
The thoughts race through my head like wild fire and when I finally sit down to write either I feel as if what I am feeling is selfish or stupid or I totally forget what I was going to write. Writing things down for later doesn't even work anymore. I am the one that loses the book, paper, pad completely or I just can't even take a second to write it down. Do you remember the egg shells I spoke about? You know the ones that I feel like I am constantly walking on??? I think they have turned into shards of glass. They hurt. It hurts to know that something isn't right and to see him so frustrated and not be able to help him.
I sit up at night wondering how I can help him and what I can do to see him smile more. I miss that smile throughout the day. I hate the screaming, yelling, kicking and I hate that I feel angry at him sometimes. I shouldn't be angry at him. I love him so much but honestly I DO get angry at him. I have caught myself three times this week start to yell at him and take a deep breathe and change my tone. I don't know if these are normal feeling or maybe I am not as good of a mother as everyone seems to think I am. I don't feel strong anymore.
I can't sleep, have NO appetite, and I worry all the time. The other day I went for a walk with Chucky Cheese to the neighbor's house. They have chickens, pigs and a horse that he loves to visit. They had company and introduced us all and told me to have a seat. But.. I couldn't stay sitting, I was constantly watching and guiding. The man said,"You worry too much. Stop being a worry wart!!"
I don't take offence cause I am sure he has no clue what my son is going through but I feel as if I am becoming that over protective mom. I am like that because I am scared. I couldn't bear to lose him. He is my world. Sorry this is a jumbled mess but I just had to write it all down. I needed to let it all out, and cry, feel and release. I needed to be honest and say that I am very angry. It just isn't fair.....
So far I am surviving, cant say I am dealing with all of this great and my hopes are high. I cant even try to tell you how I feel because I don't know. I am angry, sad, scared, amongst many other emotions that I can't even describe. I still haven't gotten any test results back but they did run the full Mitochondrial test and they mentioned Leukodystrophy. It is so scary to even imagine so I am sure you can understand why I haven't posted about it.
The thoughts race through my head like wild fire and when I finally sit down to write either I feel as if what I am feeling is selfish or stupid or I totally forget what I was going to write. Writing things down for later doesn't even work anymore. I am the one that loses the book, paper, pad completely or I just can't even take a second to write it down. Do you remember the egg shells I spoke about? You know the ones that I feel like I am constantly walking on??? I think they have turned into shards of glass. They hurt. It hurts to know that something isn't right and to see him so frustrated and not be able to help him.
I sit up at night wondering how I can help him and what I can do to see him smile more. I miss that smile throughout the day. I hate the screaming, yelling, kicking and I hate that I feel angry at him sometimes. I shouldn't be angry at him. I love him so much but honestly I DO get angry at him. I have caught myself three times this week start to yell at him and take a deep breathe and change my tone. I don't know if these are normal feeling or maybe I am not as good of a mother as everyone seems to think I am. I don't feel strong anymore.
I can't sleep, have NO appetite, and I worry all the time. The other day I went for a walk with Chucky Cheese to the neighbor's house. They have chickens, pigs and a horse that he loves to visit. They had company and introduced us all and told me to have a seat. But.. I couldn't stay sitting, I was constantly watching and guiding. The man said,"You worry too much. Stop being a worry wart!!"
I don't take offence cause I am sure he has no clue what my son is going through but I feel as if I am becoming that over protective mom. I am like that because I am scared. I couldn't bear to lose him. He is my world. Sorry this is a jumbled mess but I just had to write it all down. I needed to let it all out, and cry, feel and release. I needed to be honest and say that I am very angry. It just isn't fair.....
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